RANTS - HOLIDAY COTTAGE TO RENT

I remember when I was a child, no Internet, no racks of magazines showing "Cottages in Cornwall", "Cottages in Scotland" etc etc. My parents would buy the Sunday paper and at the back in the classified ads were lists of cottages, chalets and caravans that they would read through looking for the gem (the cheapest!) that would become our base for our one and only annual, 2 weeks, summer breaks. We didn't have a couple of winter holidays or a few long weekend breaks in Europe to break up the year, no it was 2 weeks in the summer and that was it. Eventually after many phone calls my sister and I, both buzzing with excitement, would be shown the tiny 1 inch square description of our holiday home:

Maybe it was because we were young but the places seemed seldom as bad as they sounded or maybe my memory has been so scarred it has blanked out the bad bits!

These days it's different, websites full of stunning looking photographs of cottages all with sea or country views, there is no excuse for not picking the perfect one, no chance of making a mistake, no chance of any nasty shocks when you arrive.

Oh yea?!

We usually take a week in the Highlands of Scotland, if you get the weather it's one of the most beautiful places on earth. Last year we left it a bit late and the cottages with photos were all booked. On an older website advertising cottage breaks, we found a holiday home with suitable details, no photos but it sounded just what we were looking for. "Traditional cottage with sea views. Close to beach. Close to all amenities. Perfect for relaxing holidays"

Great! We have struck it lucky!!

Several weeks later we arrived to the traditional greeting from every Scottish holiday cottage owner ... "oh what a pity, it was so sunny and dry last week"

"Let me show you the cottage and then you can get settled in"

Thanks, it's much more modern than I had imagined

"Oh no, that's ours, yours is just behind it"

Ahhhh, I must say we are looking forward to the sea views.

"Oh, you must have been looking at the old website, before we built the new house in front of the old one"

Ahhhh, oh well, not to worry, we love these old traditional cottages.

"Not me, my parents died in the house 3 years ago and I've never been happy going back into it, in fact you will be the first people to have slept in their bed since they died"

Oh my, errrrr, so sorry to here that.

"Here we are then, everything should be working, it was three years ago, just shout if there are any problems."

I'm sure there wont be, we will just do a quick unpack and go for a walk on the beach, before it gets dark.

"Ahhhh, the beach, you best not walk on THAT beach, the ground belongs to the estates and the Major is a bit trigger happy, shot 2 sheep and the postman last week, there is another one at the other side of the bay though"

Can we walk there?

"Yes of course, allow yourselves about 3 hours ........................

and the same for the return journey!"

Oh well, we are here now so intend to make the best of it, looking around the cottage does not bring much cheer though. It's obvious there has not been much decorating done since the parents died 3 years ago, nor for the 20 years preceding that! The twisted flex leading to the electric fire went out with the arc along with the round three pin plugs and sockets. In stark contrast to the brand new microwave - still in it's box! Six hours later the wife has unpacked the clothes and also disinfected the kitchen (yes I know, but before you say anything I did do ALL the driving). Now maybe I will get a cuppa.

"Kettle isn't working".

Not to worry there is a brand new micro wave.

"Square pin plug wont fit the round pin sockets"

Errrr, ok, will have to be a pan of water on the cooker then.

The cuppa is made, we sit down, switch on the 12 inch TV, nothing but squigly lines. Slightly off topic here but why is it holiday cottages are usually equipped with the tiniest TVs possible? I know we are on holiday and don't want to sit in front of it all the time but given the weather in the UK you can normally expect to have the odd spell when it's better to be inside than out. So, why is it always the case I go home from my holiday breaks with severe eye strain?

Anyway back to the TV in question. I find the inside aerial is broken and held together by sellotape, badly. It balances precariously on top of a glass flower vase and if you point it at a slight upward angle it is possible to get a starry program on BBC1. That's the lot, nothing else, not even in Gaelic and the only way to get BBC1 is by one of us holding the aerial ...............

I would love to say things got better and to a certain extent they did, the weather improved, a bit, we found the odd nice place to eat and saw some wonderful scenery but the cottage was crap and spoiled the holiday all because of the greed of a cottage owner who was willing to charge a lot and give little. When we were leaving I asked her if she had many bookings for the rest of the year, (we were there in June) she had a two week booking in September and that was it.

The cottage we had 2 years ago and the cottage we had this year are booked for the rest of the year, through the winter and onto early next year.

Moral of the story? Make sure you see some up to date photos before you book and leaving it to the last minute means the good ones are usually gone

By the way, did I mention the toilet duck classy, eh?!!

more rants...