ALL THE BEST JOKES YOU SEND TO US

 The carrot slicer:

Jim worked in a carrot canning factory for over 30 years. One day he came home to his wife to tell her that he has terrible urges to stick his d#ck into the carrot slicer. His wife is shocked and suggests that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jim said he would be too embarrassed. He said it was probably just a phase and he would be ok. One day a few weeks later, Jim came home. His wife could see that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jim?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this incredible urge to put my d#ck into the carrot slicer?"

"Jim, please tell me you didn't!"

"Yes, I did."

"My God Jim, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"Oh no! I mean why? What happened to the carrot slicer?"

"She got fired too."

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 Then there was the pensioner who......

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 The Geanie joke

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has taken his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand a few yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is  wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid", says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're done for anyway!". The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

WHOOOOSH! The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.  "OK, boss, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

WHOOOOSH! The man is now an Arab, and finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins an precious gems.  "OK, boss, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the newly-made Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful woman will want and need me."

WHOOOOSH! He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a car salesman offers you anything for free, there's always going to be a string attached.

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 Then there was the Essex girl who...

went in to her local Ford dealer and asked for a seven hundred and ten. The mechanics looked at each other, puzzled and one asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He scratched his head still puzzled then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car ?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there"

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