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 Paddy was standing...

in the shop looking up at the shelf.

"What is that?" Paddy asked. "It's a thermos flask," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Paddy. "Well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." said the salesman

After thinking about it for a while, Paddy buys one, deciding it would really help his lunch at work. The next day he arrived at the factory where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it Paddy?" they asked.

"It's a thermos flask," Paddy replied.

"What does it do?" they asked.

"Well," Paddy says in a cocky manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Amazing, and what do ya got in it?"

"Two cups of tea and a Mars ice-cream"

~~~~~~~~~~

 A guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that the octopus can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs and calls him an idiot.

"Ok, I'll give £10 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A man walks up with a guitar and gives it to the octopus.

The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar owner pays up.

Another man walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.

Then Jock puts some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

~~~~~~~~~~

 Heard at a fancy dress party...

"So, what makes you think the girl in the pirate costume is from Essex?"

"She's wearing two eye patches!"

~~~~~~~~~~

 Three old men are chatting about...

the problems of being old. The seventy year old man says, "I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The eighty year old man says, "I'm worse than that. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

~~~~~~~~~~

 The punk sits down on a bench......

next to an old man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares for a long time at the punks multicolored mowhawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man replied "Yea, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

~~~~~~~~~~

 Then there was the golfer who...

comes home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 9th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

~~~~~~~~~~

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