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What do a shortsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

~~~~~~~~~~

Bush

President Bush is representing the United States on a formal visit
to England.
Air Force One stops at the regal red carpet, along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
The coach proceeds through the streets of London en-rout to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and President Bush waving to the cheering crowds.
Suddenly, the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the carriage and rattles both doors.
The reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attention elsewhere and behave as if nothing has happened..
But the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what has happened is
ridiculous.
She explains, "Mr President, please accept my sincere regrets - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even the Queen of England cannot control."
President Bush replies, "Your Majesty ... please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said anything I would have thought it was one of the horses."

~~~~~~~~~~

What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments!

~~~~~~~~~~

Why do people..............

point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is mate, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?!
get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote rather than walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Well yes! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
say while watching a film "did you see that?". No idiot, I paid £6 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
say "Can I ask you a question?".... you just did!!
say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
say "life is short". Really? Name anything can you do that's longer?

~~~~~~~~~~

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