ALL THE BEST JOKES YOU SEND TO US

 Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court...

The judge says. "You have to make your mind up about the charges. Yesterday you wanted to divorce Minnie for adultary and today you say she is insane"

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was insane, I said that she's f#cking goofy!"

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 The psychiatrist walks in to the library...

"Do you have any books on 'suicide'?"

"No, people never bring them back"

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 This guy was lonely and so...

he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the pub with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again: "How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few minutes more, wondering what to do. He decided to ask him one more time and this time put his face up right up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f#cking shoes on!!"

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 One day a boy says to his dad...

"Dad what are they dogs doing ?"

"Errrr, they're making puppies"

the same night the boy wakes and goes into the parents bedroom...

"Dad, what are you and mum doing? "

"We're makin' babies.......now go back to bed"

"Dad"

WHAT?"

"can you turn mum over, I want a puppy!!"

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 What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want but he still ain't going to fetch the stick!

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 Then there was the Essex girl standing...

in the kitchen looking puzzled.

"What's the problem babe?" asks her husband

"I can't find instructions in any of my recipe books"

What are you trying to make?"

"Ice cubes!"

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 A couple are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning...

by a loud banging on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain. "Any chance of a push?", he asks.

"No way," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us with a push? You should be ashamed of yourself, now go out and help him"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pourding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Ok, where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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 Transvestites are men...

who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.

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