ALL THE BEST JOKES YOU SEND TO US

 Two fish in a tank, one says to the other...

"How do you drive this thing?"

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 The teacher gave her class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and began to tell their story.

Daniel said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.  

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"  

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Susan raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.

But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That's very good Susan," said the teacher.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Jessica. Aunt Jessica was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right  in the middle of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what did your daddy tell you was the moral of that story?"

"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Jessica when she's been drinking!"

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 Two cakes are cooking in an oven ...

One cakes turns to the other cake and says

"Phew...it's getting hot in here"

The other cake turns back to the first one and says,

"AAAAAAAAAAH! A TALKING CAKE!!!"

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 A bear walks into a bar and...

sits down at the bar, the bar man looks him up and down and asks, "what'll it be?"

The bear replies, "I'll have........................................................................ ..............................................................................a pint of beer please"

Barman, "Why the big pause?"

"Im a big bear!"

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 Two fat blokes in a pub...

one said to the other "your round."

The other one said "you can talk!"

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 Then there was the Essex girl who...

phoned her friend and said, "Wahhoooo! I finally completed a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months!"

Her friend replies, "Tracy, six months, why should that impress me?"

Tracy replies, "Well, on the box it says 4-7 years!"

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