OFFICE JOKES and MEMOS - DAFT INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE BOSS

A friend of mine recently smuggled a memo out from the branch of a well known UK estate agent he works for:

"This is a small office and the thin walls do little to insulate sound. Would staff please remember this when using the toilet"

There must be hundreds of funny or ridiculous company memos lying in office in trays that deserve better - in other words they should be posted here!! With that in mind we are looking for the best company or office memos out there! Don't worry, we will not mention the company or your own name (you don't even have to tell us.) This is just a celebration of what bosses come up with when they get infected with that dreaded desease, "bullsh#t fever"

SHARE THE OFFICE JOKES AND MEMOS, EMAIL THEM NOW!!!

We wont mention your name or company (unless you ask us to!!)

OFFICE MEMOS AND JOKES...

 "I don't mind being screwed now and then..."

but this company seems to think I'm a nymphomaniac!"

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RUBBER STAMP IT (The way you always wanted to!)

 Understanding corporate words...

"APPLY IN PERSON"

If you have big t#ts, the jobs yours.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"

We remain that way by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"

We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"

Buy your own uniform.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"

You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"

Seven days a week.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"

If it's a sh#t job, guess who will have to do it?!

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"

We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"

You must be able to crawl to the boss.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"

We've filled the job internally; the advert is a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"

You will need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"

It's a mess here.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"

You will be doing the boss's job but not for the same sallery.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"

Do what you're told.

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YES BOSS, OF COURSE I'VE READ THE MEMO!

 Office memo:

If you do not dry the cups and glasses after your dinner break please stand upside down on the draining board.

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 What's the starting Salary?

At the end of a job interview, the HR manager asked the young graduate, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The graduate replied, "Around £75,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 7-weeks paid holidays, full medical and dental care, company matching pension fund to 50% of salary, and a company car, it's usually a BMW for starters if that's ok?"

The graduate said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

"Well yes, ...but you started it!"

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IT'S IN MY PRIORITY TRAY, HONESTLY!

 What the boss would like to write on a "one to one"?!

• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This worker is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
• Has a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

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GOT ANY OFFICE JOKES AND MEMOS, EMAIL THEM NOW!!!

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We wont mention your name or company

(unless you ask us to!!)